Saturday, 21 April 2012

Singles Review 23.04.2012

So we were all very happy in the Cold Ghetto office this week because Ashley came back. For an hour or so I was able to tear myself away from leading the search for Lance, this search is starting to become an obsession and if it goes on much longer then it’s going to go down in the annals of history as one of the great searches, like Jason and his golden fleece or Captain Kirk trying to find Spock. But because Ashley was back, Adam went and bought some jelly and cakes from the LIDL and we had a bit of a welcome home bash for the young, word starved culture critic. We decided that this was a more appropriate use of the big stack of paper plates we’ve got in the cupboard than getting them out for the Queen’s jubilee knees up later in the summer. 

That was all going well, but I noticed that Adam went a bit glassy eyed, as if he was thinking too hard, this is always a bit of a problem because it usually leads to one of his bright ideas, and that usually leads to me getting lumped with more stuff to write about. I tried making myself look invisible, but I’m quite a personality and maybe jelly isn’t the best substance to consume if you want to blend into the fabric of time-space and shy away from the world, or from writing stuff down in the form of a whimsical blog. I was all set to take my jelly back to C-GOR (Cold Ghetto Operations Room) and resume the search for Lance when Adam suddenly broke out of his glassy eyed, moon faced, hairy beast, far away stare and revealed his thoughts.

What’s better than five?” he asked.

“Erm, dunno. More than five, depends what you’re talking about. Stab wounds? Small children? Hours on a train in Bolivia? What’s my reference point?”


“Cheese singles?” (I know I’ve done that before but I like it) hoping against hope that he wouldn’t make me listen to more shit new music.

No, singles of the week singles.”


“No no, wait, you see we’ve only been reviewing five singles in any given week, but there must be more released than that, maybe we need to do more to get to the good stuff, like diamond mining?”

“You think? Because it sounds to me like we’d just have to review more shit and there would be more chance of having to listen to another LMFAO or Chris Brown track?”

“Well there is that and it is a gamble I’ll grant you that. But those lot have only just released singles, what’s the chances of them doing it all again  in the near future?”

“The way things have gone in the first four singles reviews I’d say bleak to shat is about the level we can expect so my best guess is that the chances are pretty good that one of those bastards reappears sooner rather than later.”

“Hhhhmmmm, well we’re doing it. I’m off to find lots of new music. You wait here.”


And with that Adam bounded off to the internet, I gave Ashley one of those table tennis bats with a ball attached to some elastic and plonked him in the corner and then got myself settled in for a good, long sulk.


Oh, and we have an all new scoring system with marks from Adam and myself out 10, for a total score of 20, I know… it’s exciting!

Beyoncé – End of Time

Erm Beyoncé is back? I thought she was up the spout? Ooooh, there’s Beyoncé in her crotch cut undercrackers, sweet. Oh look there’s J-Zed in the video, I wasn’t expecting that. Oh listen it’s got that drumbeat that all Beyoncé songs have, great. It’s a bog standard, paint by numbers Beyoncé pop song, although not one of a particularly good one by the standards of Bootilicious or some sort of similar Beyoncé fodder from the archives. It’s ok, it’s better than the two pop songs we watched last week but I’m not blown away by it, sing it B. Every so often Beyoncé releases a corker that brings something new, that puts the rest of R&B-land to shame and shows them who’s boss. This isn’t that. It’s run of the mill R&Bland with expensive production to hide the fact that it’s so drenched in nothingness that I’ve forgotten what I’m reviewing already.

Steve’s score: 6
Adam’s score: 3
Total: 9

Calvin Harris Feat’ Ne-Yo – Let’s Go

It sounds like the sort of house hit that filled my late teenaged years in the early 1990s, well the bits of them when I spent some time in terrible chavvy nightclubs with bottles of K cider and snogging random, anonymous girls and puking and kebabs that cost two quid. I hated those times. And this has the added bonus of having Ne-Yo on it. I don’t like that. I like a bit of Calvin Harris… sometimes, not this obviously though. It’s similar to Beyoncé though in that it’s well produced but there’s absolutely nothing of note. As enjoyable as an afternoon in Tesco’s.

Steve’s score: 2
Adam’s score: 3
Total: 5

David Guetta Feat’ Nicki Minaj – Turn Me On

So far in life I’ve lived in a world in which David Guetta is at best a distant and peripheral influence on anything, that was until Adam brought the Spaniard into my life with this thing. It’s also my first exposure to Nicki Minaj, (I live inside a cocoon, a bit like Batfink only without wings) and I’ve got to say that I absolutely fucking hate it. Yeah, I’m in a similar boat to Steve, I’d seen one Nicki Minaj video before but because my eyesight’s so poor I spent the next few days telling people about this dreadful noise I’d heard by ‘Nicki Ninja’. I didn’t know until I saw last night’s Graham Norton show that Miss Ninja is the biggest selling female “rapper” of all time. Roxanne Shante will be turning in her grave… if she’s dead. I don’t like Guetta’s style of high energy dance with R&B vocals but this is probably his best effort to date. I do find it interesting that my partner said how much she looks like a sex doll last night and today I watch this video about Guetta making Ninja sex dolls in his mother’s basement.

Steve’s score: 1
Adam’s score: 3
Total: 4

Levellers – Truth Is

I was just thinking yesterday that it might be nice to hear from The Levellers again. Really? No. I’d forgotten all about them if I’m honest, and I never really got to grips with them in the first place. Compared to the above two efforts this is staggering stuff, compared to anything that I might buy, it’s not staggering. Some moody old students from the 90’s might go all Shed Seven again and welcome the return of these fiddlers but I was fine without them and I can live without them again. For about a fortnight in the early nineties I liked The Levellers, but that was 20 years ago, times change. It is the best record I’ve listened to so far this week but if I ever hear it again it might tip me over the edge. I don’t like folk music.

Steve’s score: 4
Adam’s score: 3
Total: 7

Maverick Sabre – I Used To Have It All

Oh no, no no no. I don’t like this at all. Apparently lots of people are bleeding but just no. Things have to get better, surely? This takes me back to the bad old days of Finley Quaye, I hated those days, he was not my bag at all. Apart from not liking this guys voice, the fact that he looks like an egg with some eyes stuck on makes me think he's not to be trusted.

Steve’s score: 2
Adam's score: 2
Total: 4

The Ting Tings – Hit Me Down Sonny

Actually no, things aren’t getting better. I don’t like the Ting Tings I should say that right now. But this is bad even by that low starting point. I’ve managed exactly 33 seconds before I had to turn it off. And 10 of those were before the annoying singer kicks in. Pooh hammers! You should have stuck with it Steve, well, no you shouldn’t, 33 seconds is enough. If you’re not liking it by that point then you’ve had it. I did like it though, it’s my favourite of the week by quite some way. I know what Steve’s getting at though ‘dem Tings Tings is a bit Marmite init’. There’s not a lot to it, it’s pretty stripped back and quite basic but it works.

Steve’s score: 1
Adam’s score: 5
Total: 6

Norah Jones – Happy Pills
I don’t actually mind this, it’s a bit nothing, like a song purely designed to be in an advert for happy yogurt, but compared to the rest of this week’s stuff it’s a blessed relief to actually not want to stab my ear hole with a large hunting knife. I wouldn’t buy it and I assume if I steer clear of Radio 2 for a couple of weeks I’ll never have to hear it again and that’s just fine with me. Well, I listened to that a couple of times and it was the equivalent of staring at a whitewashed wall for 10 minutes. It was a pleasant wall though and I probably could have looked at it a little bit longer. Norah’s got a very nice voice and makes some ‘listenable’ songs that are inoffensive, which sums this up perfectly.

Steve’s score: 5
Adam’s score: 5
Total: 10

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