Singles Review: 09.04.2012

Brrrriiiing Brrriiinnnngggg

Hello

Hi

Oh, alright Adam? What’s up? Have you lost Ashley again? Do I need to get my coat?

No no, he’s happily playing with his Playdoh Mophead, that really was the best Christmas present ever.

Yes, it was. In many ways it was genius, although I’m clearly too modest to actually take all the credit for it.

Well you did very well, but we have stuff to do, well I say stuff, music, well I say music, shit music.

Oh, not the bloody singles review again? I thought we’d knocked that on the head?

No, I’ve found five more for you to listen to so go and do that and write down what you think.

This is like the bit at the start of the Labyrinth.

What?

You know? The Labyrinth?

The film or the ancient Greek Myth with the Minotaur?

The film, you know? With Bowie in tights looking all camp and cod piecey and elfin.

Oh yeah, what about it?

You know the bit at the start where Jennifer Connolly keeps going the wrong way because the silly Fraggles keep playing the berk and sending on a wild goose chase?

It’s been a while since I’ve seen it but yeah, I think so, how’s that like this?

Well it just sort of is, like it's a scary, confusing journey that at some point will mean I get the baby back before my parents get back from their car-keys-in-the-ashtray sex party.

How the fuck is that like this?

Well it’s a metaphor, probably, the elusive good single is the baby, I’m Jennifer Connolly, you’re the pesky Fraggles and Simon Cowell, representing the music industry, is played by David Bowie and I’m trying to get to a point where I can stab Cowell in the eye with a cocktail swizzler and finally find some good new music to listen to.

I’m not seeing it to be honest.

Fuck you then.

Plus, even if I did, it won’t be this week, all we’ve got is Rizzle Kicks….

What’s a Rizzle Kick? Is it like a kick in the plums?

Probably, listen to it and find out, but there’s also Usher, Taio Cruz, Santigold and something called You Me At Six.

What are we doing at six?

Erm, nothing, at least not together.

Then why did you say you me at six then?

It’s the name of a band.

Oh, is that it? Sounds a bit naff to me?

Yep, well go find out how naff.

Shit.

Singles – Release Date: 09 – 04 – 2012

Rizzle Kicks – Traveller’s Chant

3 minutes 32 seconds of very gentle urbanity. It’s not raging against the system, or if it is it’s doing it with a cheery backing track and without shouting, swearing or other anti-social larking about. The best thing I can say about it is that it’s actually better than other urban music fuckweasels like the N-Dubz or those other shitehawkers the Black Eyed Peas. But that’s a bit like saying that dying of cholera is a bit better than dying from a dose of the Plague or getting disembowelled by pirates. It’s not even as good as that Plan B track from our first single review, and it doesn’t have a Prodigy remix, and because I gave that three out of five, and this is shitter, I’m duty bound to give it two out of five. Yep, I’m going to go the same way as you on this one Steve, it’s the audible equivalent of paint drying or grass growing. I’d previously heard some of this here Rizzle Kicks stuff on an advert and it sounded better than this. It’s disappointing but it’s what I’ve come to expect from modern music.

Rating: 3.5 out of 10

Taio Cruz ft Flo Rida- Hangover

Taio Cruz has a hangover, I know this because he’s said it about a thousand times and all to a very horrid, glittery, soulless, unoriginal loop of dull plinks, plonks and pings that are very similar to the ones used by Cher, Spears, Aguilera and numerous other boring faux-housemusic arsehats. As you’d expect I think it’s shit and if I never hear it again that’s very fine with me. Well, I’m not in the habit of telling you you’re wrong Steve… and I see no reason to start now. I don’t think it’s quite as bad as you do but it’s hardly Kate Bush either. It’s the best thing I’ve ever heard that’s had anything to do with Flo-rida, but again, that’s not a compliment. Better than Rizzle Kicks but still putrid.

Rating: 3

Santigold – Disparate Youth

I quite like the video, and I quite like the music, well a little bit, well a bit more than the Taio Cruz music. I’m not massively fond of the woman singer’s voice but it’s not the worst thing in the world ever. It’s not great but it is just catchy enough to be the best of the five singles this week, which says more about the other four than about how good this is though. Shit the bed! It’s taken three weeks and 13 awful logs of sonic dog turds but I’ve finally found a record I like. It’s like Tori Amos reborn as a Jamaican filtered through Diplo production. I’ll be buying her forthcoming album based on this alone. I do have a bit of a problem with it though, it seems to be building to something without ever arriving. Single of the week, month and year so far.

Rating: 6.5

Usher – Climax

You know that Chris Brown track from the other week? This is like that but in a falsetto voice and without the wife beating, scumbaggery that came with that. Shit. As I might have mentioned in the previous review, I quite like Diplo’s production work… except for this. Again, feels like it's building to something, like when you have a massive gutache but only let out a tiny fart. If music had a smell this one would dried stale jizz on the inside of a tramp’s pants. The video looks quite expensive but will be cut to ribbons when it's played on Top of the Pops "what's that? They don't do that anymore! Oh, well, I blame Ferne Cotton." Anyway, back to Usher, this is woeful, but exactly what I’d expect from him when he’s doing one of these ballad type thingys, he occasionally craps out a decent pop tune but I don’t recall one in the best part of half a decade.

Rating: 2

You Me At Six – No One Does It Better

So what have we here? Well we see a large American car driving about in the middle-of-nowheresville America while the occupants stop for gas before moodily popping out into the rocky scenery to lob stones into a ditch and sing about the sort of fucking that no one has ever seen, heard, tasted or thought might even exist. The sort of fucking that stupid teenagers who’ve seen too much One Tree Hill (or Dawson’s Creek for anyone who was a teenager about 10 years ago) and who have been conned into thinking that this sort of bullshit nonsense is how that sort of thing works. Not good at all. Bang on, it sounds like a poor man’s Nickleback and that’s not an insult I dish out regularly… I fucking hate Nickleback but at least they’re distinctive. This song and band is so non-descript I genuinely can no longer remember who or what I’m reviewing, however, I seem to recall I only finished watching it about 30 seconds ago.

Rating: 3

There, more lacklustre reviews of pretty awful music.