Saturday, 24 December 2011

Lance’s Christmas Star Charts

Lance is off back to the old country for the Christmas period but he found time in between wrapping presents and touching himself to look into the big, black space of space to see what your future holds. Here’s what he thinks the stars say.

Aries – March 21 – April 19

You can probably get out of bed now if you want to, things will probably improve, although it’s difficult to see how they could have gotten any worse. It’s Christmas though so if things do look a bit bleak then just have a mince pie (or mind killing amounts of booze) and pretend the rest of the world doesn’t exist.

Taurus – April 20 – May 20

I hope Amsterdam was nice. It should be ok this month but I wouldn’t expect any sparklers or marching band type of excitement. Don’t overload on sprouts.

Gemini – May 21 – June 20

Tempting thing is fun, you should do it more often.

Cancer – June 21 –July 22

So it turns out that the worse that can happen is pretty bad, sorry about that, I really didn’t see that coming. Things should improve next year, but Christmas will see more of the terrible run off from that really unfortunate thing that you did. That really is no place to put your cock.

Dead or alive you're... erm, running with me!
Leo – July 23 – August 22

Still boggled about the square watermelons, they’ve also invented a robot that can run, although not like Robocop.

Virgo – Aug 23 – September 22

It might be time to make yourself a batch of hot winter booze, put your feet up and just enjoy your success, you’ve earned it after all, you wondrous thing you.

Libra – September 23 – October 22

Don’t try creeping back in just because it’s Christmas, go on, fuck off.

Scorpio – October 23 – November 21

A very, very bad thing.

Sagittarius – November 22 December 21

How was your Birthday?

They had barely even touched down!
Capricorn – December 22 – January 19

Stop with the fucking bagpipes, you’re upsetting the pandas.

Aquarius – January 20 – February 18

Did you book that cruise yet? The stars say that you should go the Caribbean. I say that sounds ok.

Pisces – February 19 – March 20

I hope things didn’t fall off but you’ve only got yourself to blame.

I guess that’s it, Lance says “I hope you all have a very merry Christmas and a happy new year, even if the stars say you won’t.”

Excellent.

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